#102 – Why We Need to Talk about Good, Heavenly Sexuality!
We always hear the mantra, “Communication is key”, and rightfully so as communication plays an important role in every aspect of our lives, especially when it comes to building a strong foundation for our relationships. As for married couples, communication is vital to avoid misunderstandings, grow together, and understand each other’s differences.. It’s just as important for couples as it is for singles to have someone in their lives with whom they can talk about anything without feeling judged.
Heavenly sexuality is all about love, acceptance, the ability to express oneself, and communication without shame or guilt. It all comes down to having a healthy relationship with your partner by giving more meaning and significance to sex. Sex does not always have to be a physical act; it can also be about appreciating your partner, learning about sexual development, expressing love and intimacy, and establishing a meaningful connection.
In Episode 102, Andrew explains what heavenly sexuality is all about and the importance of truly understanding it. He discusses how High Noon can help YOU in your sexual integrity journey to finally let go of the addiction or bad habits that might be stopping you to grow.
Listen to learn more about heavenly sexuality, the importance of communication, and so much more!
- Why feedback is important to the High Noon team
- The importance of talking about sexuality
- The negative impact of lack of communication between married couples
- Communication is a constant flow of connection and intimacy between married couples
- Conversation about sex is the foundation of knowing where each other is at
- How High Noon helps single people find their accountability partners
- The importance of talking about good, heavenly sexuality
- How to create a wonderful dynamic of knowing each other
Welcome back to Love, Life and Legacy, the podcast dedicated to helping you navigate these hypersexualized times of ours. In today’s episode, I’m talking about the importance of talking about sex. Now, this is for all of you single people out there, learning how to process your feelings, your emotions, your thoughts around the aspect of sexuality is super important preparation for married life. And for all of you who are in relationships, the value of constant communication, talking about sex all the time, as much as possible in your marriage, in order to maintain a healthy flow of understanding and camaraderie and intimacy, I just can’t say enough good things about it. So I’m going to try. That’s what this episode is all about. There are too many people who don’t know how to talk about sex, and it’s creating all sorts of roadblocks in their lives. So if you want to be free, if you want to truly lead a life in the High Noon light, then you got to talk about sex. It’s very rewarding if you do it right. Take some skill, take some training, but anybody can do it. So let’s get into the details of why it’s so important and how to do it in this delicious podcast.
Welcome back everybody, Andrew Love in the house. And today, I am going to do a solo cast without Benjy. Sans Benji, probably French people out there. And the reason is this, he’s doing a solo cast. He’s doing his own solo expedition on the podcast. And so I felt like, I’m going to match that. I’m a generous guy. Whatever his podcast donation is, I’ll match it. And I do have some juicy stuff to talk about. But before I get into it, I really want to mention the fact that High Noon often lives in a void of information because we don’t hear back from many of you. It’s very strange. In many cases, I will make content, or I’ll give a talk to a group of people, and I will have zero ideas how that went. People are really processing this information. It’s not like a motivational speech where I can tell based on how many people are jumping on their chairs and dancing around saying, yes, I can take on my life. If I was Tony Robbins, and I could tell, oh, I really did well because I had 60% of the people standing on their chairs doing backflips. In High Noon’s work, we’re giving you guys a lot of information. We’re giving you a lot to process in terms of emotional content and spiritual content, mental content, which has deep implications. I get that. We get that. So it’s not easy to hear us talk sometimes. But the other strange thing is, so many times, I can’t even tell you how many times it’s happened to me or other people on our team where we go to some, even, and we’ll get somebody coming up to us. It could be a person of any age, any gender. They’ll come up to us, and they’ll say, you changed my life.
Obviously, that doesn’t sound like a little girl. I’ve had young women under the age of 10. I’ve had elder ladies in their 70s. I’ve had the range of men, all ages, whatever, come up to me and say you really changed my life. And increasingly, more and more, I will respond with, that’s amazing. I’m so glad for you. But it would have been nice to hear from you when it happened because when we hear from people, it’s usually in hindsight. It’s usually like, yes, two years ago, you saved my marriage. And I’m always like, that’s the coolest thing I’ve ever heard. And it would have been useful to know before. And the reason is this, we don’t do this for the ego at all. Nobody, especially if you know the Wonfenbergers, they’re super humble. And they’re willing to just give everything they have to this cause which is very admirable. But when you’re trying to help people, you need clues to know if you’re fully helping them, if you’re half helping them, if you’re hurting them. And the only way you can know is by feedback. And when you’re doing one-on-one counseling or mentoring, you can get that feedback pretty quickly based on what they say and how they look, and how they react to what you’re saying. But when you’re speaking to a big audience, or when you’re having a podcast like this, it is hard to know what impact you’re making.
So again, maybe a month ago or so I had this one guy who’s in his mid to late 60s, tell me clearly your podcast has been helping me so much get through some really dark times in my life. And I’m like, you know, it’s obviously nice to hear that what we’re doing is making an impact. But it’s so much nicer to hear when it’s happening so that we can know what specifically helped you, and how can we make more of that? Or what else do you need? How else can we help you so that we can speed this process of healing the world through sexuality? How can we create a world of High Noon, of healing, of light, of beauty? We can’t do this unless we get feedback. That’s my preamble to really pitch the idea. Let us know for golly gosh sakes, and I hate to use that kind of harsh language for Pete’s sake. Whoever Pete is, if you know a Pete, for his sake. If you don’t know a Pete, we’ll sponsor a Pete. For his sake, do it. Let us know what we can do to help topics you’d like us to cover on the podcast, any content you’d like us to create, just let us know. People you’d like us to interview, let us know. Okay, I’m going to get off my high horse to the left.
Now, what I wanted to talk about is talking. I want to talk to you about talking, and here’s why. I was recently on a call with a bunch of guys, husbands, fathers, and they were all kind of going through their own journey with sexual integrity. Many of them are still battling with porn use, and they’re trying to figure it out. They’re sincerely working on it. And one guy brought up the fact that he really felt like having more sex with his wife, he felt like she didn’t want to, and blah, blah, blah. There’s a lot of miscommunication there. And I just simply asked, hey, have you talked to her about sex? He was like, no. And then a bunch of guys on the call were like, they were reacting in this way like, my God, that’s an impossible feat. And I just want to say that it is so important that you are constantly communicating about all matters of the heart, of the spirit, and of the soul, that you’re talking about the deep things in your life with your spouse.
If you’re single, and it’s really important that you have a mentor, that you have somebody in your life, ideally, your parents, if you have that relationship. But if not, like an aunt or an uncle, somebody that you respect, somebody that has integrity that you can talk to about matters of the heart as it pertains to all areas of life, but especially sexuality, and here’s why. As a single person, you’re practicing to be open for when you are married. And as a married person, it’s the foundation to let things flow naturally. Sex becomes very complicated if you have people who have differing levels of commitment to sex, and to pleasing each other, or to caring at all about each other. And a lot of times what prevents couples from really being intimate in the heart, and I also mean, as expressed through sex is the lack of communication. And so, I think guys have the tendency to communicate when they want sex by pulling the moves on their wives. I know a lot of guys who don’t really know themselves so well, but they know when they want sex. And when they’re struck by that feeling, they will pounce on their wives. And this can be shocking. And if they’re rejected, I know the feeling. It’s a terrible feeling. Nobody of any age, of any background, likes being rejected. It’s a terrible feeling, especially from the people that you love, especially from the people that you’re in a committed relationship with because you feel like someone that you’re being betrayed. You feel like, hey, I thought we agreed to take care of each other. And here I am showing that I would like to have sexual stuff with your relations, fun with you, and here you are showing me the giant stop sign, or the giant exit sign, or what have you. And so there’s a tension that arises. And if that happens enough times, then hearts start to become hardened. And people start judging each other and start labeling each other.
If the person is more sexually aggressive, and it’s not always the man, by the way. I know. I just read the other day, and I’ve heard this numerous times that when the woman is more confident or more clear about when she wants sex and she proposes to the husband and he rejects her, it’s the same thing. It’s the same feeling. And it happens more than we might know or might suspect. But the results are the same. It’s that you feel rejected, and you feel like, well, what did I do wrong? And you take it personally. It’s hard not to because sex is very personal. It’s a very intimate close experience. And so, what happens is that there’s a reaction. Think about this, this is all reactions. You’re reacting to a feeling when you pounce on your spouse. I feel like sex and then you try, and then if you’re rejected, then you react with a feeling of loneliness, despair, isolation, frustration, whatever the case may be. And then you react to that afterward by creating these assumptions about that person.
What conversing, what talking, what communicating allows for is to understand where the other person is at. Because you have no idea what they’re going through and what they feel unless you check in with them. And again, because everything is so reactionary for so many people in the area of sex, I feel like sex, I don’t feel like sex. It’s just the reaction. There’s no preparation in between. It’s just like whenever there is a spike and a feeling then you pounce, and then there’s famine. It’s like a feast or famine. Whereas communicating is this constant flow of connection and intimacy. And it’s so wonderful to be able to talk to your spouse.
So I’ve been speaking very generally. I can speak specifically that, honestly speaking, I think that talking about sex and learning about how to talk to my wife about sex was a wild ride. The only reason I was able to, is because of my work with High Noon. I really do feel in many ways that, working for High Noon, as many people as I may have helped, I have benefited far more because I was able to understand myself and my own inner workings. But I could also get better at communicating and talking to my wife.
So the point is, checking in when you do want sex, and even when you don’t want sex, about sex and checking in with, how are we doing? How do you feel about our sex life? Is there any area that I can get better at? Am I being insensitive, or am I being too aggressive? Or whatever the case may be, I would love to hear from you. And what do you like? And what do you not like? Is there some middle ground that we can reach? And communicating is just this beautiful gateway that creates intimacy. This is like the best foreplay that you can imagine because it doesn’t start that day, it starts a few days before. It starts constantly that you’re planting these seeds of intimacy, heart to heart because you feel closer to this person because you understand them more. You understand that they rejected you maybe because they were gassy. Imagine you take great offense, you tried to make sweet love to your spouse, and they reject you. And you say, oh, they don’t love me anymore. And it just turns out that maybe they ate too much cheese. It’s something so simple as that, or maybe something complex. Maybe like, I had this with my wife two or three months ago that I was pulling the moves on her and she was being very cold with me. And it turns out, I had said something to her a week and a half prior that was just lingering and festering and growing in her that led to her not really being attracted to my presence at all. She’s still annoyed by this one thing that I said. And so when we could talk about it, we clear that out of the way, and then we could get back to our natural state of flow.
So communicating is so vital. But about sex specifically, don’t leave that out. Of course, if you’re always talking about sex, and it’s always from a very external place then that’s going to get played out. But it’s really important to continually converse about sex and where you’re at, your feelings, your hopes, your dreams, your fears, and your doubts. As we age, our bodies change, and like, how do you feel? Do you still feel attractive or not? And talking about all that, because if you imagine, imagine you have this insecurity as you’re getting older and you talk about and you say, this doesn’t make me feel sexy. I feel whatever. How great that would be if the other person could rise up and say, listen, I love you as you are. And how much freer you would feel afterward. A lot of people are not able to be free within the context of sex because they have baggage about their own body image, or they have concepts about themselves. So unless you unearth that and address it and deal with it, you’ll always be confined to a much lower state of sexuality and fulfillment than our birthright entitles us to.
Okay, so talking is so much more important. And I wanted to give you some very practical tips here about how to do this. Because like I said, I did this with my wife and it started out very terribly, I’ve got to say. Because in the beginning, it was one she was experiencing postpartum issues, depression, and just she was really out of it. And I was really trying to let her know that I had needs that were not being met. But I was doing so in a very critical way, that was placing the blame on her without a real desire to understand what she was going through. I was just telling her what I was going through, but I wasn’t really giving her the space to have that repartee to give back to me what she’s experiencing so that I could understand her. And because of this, every time we would talk about sex for months and months and months, I was just laying guilt trips, and this was making her heavier. It was making the possibility of real intimacy less and less possible.
So the first thing is to try to have conversations as best as you can without placing judgment on yourself or other people. Just allowing the other person to know where you’re at without any expectation is really important. And this leads to the second point, which is try your hardest to have conversations about sex that don’t lead to sex. Because I know so many guys that, again, this is not just the guy thing, but I mostly mentor men. And I have heard from some men who experienced the opposite side of this so it’s not just the one-way street. But I know a lot of guys that I’ve helped, if they do bring up sex, then they try to talk is to try it as a way to lead into sex. And obviously, the woman’s going to catch on. Obviously, at some point, she’s going to be like, every time you bring up the topic of sex, the next thing you do is you jump on me. And if they’re not ready, and if you’re not doing it in a sensitive and caring way, I’ve got to say, they’ll remember this. Whether consciously or unconsciously, and they will start to avoid topics about sex. They won’t want to talk to you about sex, because they know it’s just the appetizer to the main course, which is then being devoured by you.
So it doesn’t necessarily mean that there’s no rules here. But I’m saying is that, to create a healthy balance, it’s really good to talk about sex even if you’re not going to have sex because then it just continues the conversation throughout the week, throughout the days, and you can check in. And when you do feel like sex and you communicate, it’s based on the foundation of knowing where each other are at. You’ve already checked in with each other. And then it’s a lot easier to sashay your way into the act of sex. Now, again, if you’re single and you’re listening to this, and this is like, what do I do? Well, that’s a really important point is, that’s what we do at High Noon with your groups, with your accountability partners. If you’re lucky enough to have a mentor, somebody that you can really talk to frequently and intimately, then it’s really important that you talk about also when you’re feeling sexual. And understanding where that’s coming from, because in a marriage, you will quickly learn that just because you want something doesn’t mean that you get it.
And so, if you don’t know how to deal with certain feelings, certain emotions, certain desires without acting on them all the time like, let’s say, every time you want sweets, you have sweets. Well, that’s clearly going to lead you down a path of disease or health issues. So we have to learn even while we’re single what to do with our sexual desires. If we can’t act out on them, or if we feel like we’d rather not, if we’d like to put that energy to somewhere more productive because there’s no outlet that makes sense at the time, then we need to talk to people. We really need to process this and understand ourselves, understand how we got to this place. So regardless, if you’re single, if you are in a marriage, please talk about sex. Frequently talk about it. Jokingly talk about it. Seriously, you can cry, you can laugh, you can expense all ranges of emotion, and it will help you heal so that the sexual experience itself becomes more purified because the hearts that you bring to each other while you’re in the act of sex are have been cleansed through communication, through getting all the gunk off. You’re getting all the resentment and all the misgivings and all the miscommunications, get that off of your heart so that when you enter the act, it can be just two loving people celebrating each other.
If you really want to have wonderful sex, one of the best things you can do is talk about it together with your spouse. Or many times throughout your marriage constantly, so that you can check in with each other and see where each other is at. And it will lead to a much higher dimension of sex that isn’t accessible unless your full mind can understand the other person’s full mind. Your heart can really be on the other person and vice versa. And that your spirit can be one of serving rather than one of taking. When that happens, just watch, it’s truly tremendous. And it’s not something that you just set it and forget it. It takes constant maintenance. My wife and I, like I said, we just had this disagreement or misunderstanding within the last maybe month or so. And it’s like, did I not learn my lesson yet? I still make mistakes. But the point is, I’m getting better at recognizing when things are off and talking about it, and so is my wife. We’re getting much better at communicating. And that allows us to be much more free and trusting with each other rather than holding on to grudges and stuff like that.
So I hope this was helpful. I honestly see this as a very big issue within all couples. And even if you do talk about sex, it’s usually one dimensionally. But to really have a multi-dimensional understanding of sex as it pertains to you and your relationship, and to really hear about every aspect of their fears and their hopes and what they like and what they don’t like. And for you to be able to express that too, just creates this wonderful dynamic of knowing how to please each other and wanting to please each other. It’s just such a great feeling. So I hope that helps. And again, for all you single people, please learn how to communicate about sex. Your fears and your doubts and your hopes and your dreams, and all this stuff with somebody who cares about you, somebody that you trust, and typically, somebody who’s embodying what you would like to have, somebody who’s in a stable, healthy relationship themselves. And watch what happens, it helps. So many people have strange sexual experiences because they keep it all in themselves, and they try to deal with it themselves and it just doesn’t work. So I’m going to leave you there. And I am just making a huge plug for communication because it’s so vital. Thank you so much for listening, I hope this was helpful. Have some great conversations about sex, either with your mentors or your accountability partners or with your spouse if you’re married. This slice. Love you guys. Talk to you later.
Hey. Before you go, I wanted you to consider checking out High Noon Connect. So if you go to our website, highnoon.org, you’ll notice, first of all, we have a brand new website which is beautiful. And also, you’ll notice that there’s the opportunity to join High Noon Connect. The essence of what High Noon is morphing into is a community. We are better together. And sexual integrity involves other people. If you’re struggling with pornography, you need the help of brothers and sisters, of people in a community dedicated to helping lift you up. And even if you’re not, if you’re in a relationship and you just want more intimacy, more love, more joy. Or if you’re single, and you just want to be a person that can live according to their values in the area of sexuality, and you want to be around a group of people who are fighting in the same way then please go to highnoon.org and sign up for High Noon Connect. There’s a free version and a paid version. We want to make this as accessible as possible. And we’re nonprofit, so we’re not trying to make a buck here. We’re just trying to create a community off of Facebook that gives a focused conversation, focused energy, focused attention on building sexual integrity as a cultural intention. So go to highnoon.org, we’ll see you there.